It with much sadness that we write you to inform you that you have not been chosen to host the Olympics for the year 2016. We greatly enjoy your city and recognize the importance Chicago has had throughout history not just for the United States but for the world. Because of this we felt we needed to explain our motivation for not selecting you.
We recently picked up a copy of the Best of SNL - 1991 and watched it during one of our Olympic committee break time jam sessions. Although we readily enjoyed the antics of the Church Lady and Wayne and Garth we found one sketch portraying Chicago "super fans" in a negative light. The people of Chicago appear to do nothing but drink beers and eat sausage all day. They also seem to worship an American Football team known as the Bears, and every piece of evidence we have found has led us to believe that this team is absolutely dreadful. We're sure you understand that we could not risk holding the olympics in any location that might shed a negative light on the ceremonies, and would hate to hear any person say in that dreadful accent "Daaaaaa Michael Phelps." With that in mind we have decided to protect the sanctity of the Olympic games and hold them in Rio. Rio seems like a very safe and legal place.
Sincerely,
The Olympics
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