We're worried a fan will interfere...

Dear Chicago, Illinois,

We regret to inform you that you have not been selected to host the 2016 summer olympics.

Why, you might ask...

Well, do you remember that Cubs fan that caught the ball? Thereby ruining the chances of the Cubs to go to the World Series and break the curse? You remember that? Well we're worried that that dude will come to the track and field events and like, steal the discus or something. Or what if in the middle of the Crew competition he swims out and steals an oar? Or if in the middle of the Decathlon he just runs out and steals the entire long jump competition? Impossible you say? Well it also seemed impossible that one rabid fan could ruin the Cubs chances... but there you have it.

It's also here that I should mention that 95% of the hate mail that that guy received was from us... the olympics. We love the Cubbies. We hate that one of Chicago's own ruined it for them... and we olympics hold grudges.

Get bent,

The Olympics

We agree with Boehner

Dear Chicago, Illinois,

We regret to inform you that we did not select Chicago to host the 2016 summer olympics.

We are not giving you this honor since we agree with John Boehner that Obama should not be allowed to leave the country to represent your city. We think he should have been sitting in his office and thinking about the economy. We also believe that it is impossible for him to do so when he is outside of the United States. No one can think on a plane... even Air Force One.

Also, John Boehner makes mostly all good points, so we had to take that into account.

Sincerely,

The Olympics

Gots to get our Rio drunk on

Dear Chicago, Illinois,

We regret to inform you that you were not selected to host the 2016 olympics.

But we're sure you understand... we just got dumped and want to get our Rio drunk on.

Let's hang some time.

Sincerely,

The Olympics

Da Bears...

Dear Chicago, Illinois,

It with much sadness that we write you to inform you that you have not been chosen to host the Olympics for the year 2016. We greatly enjoy your city and recognize the importance Chicago has had throughout history not just for the United States but for the world. Because of this we felt we needed to explain our motivation for not selecting you.

We recently picked up a copy of the Best of SNL - 1991 and watched it during one of our Olympic committee break time jam sessions. Although we readily enjoyed the antics of the Church Lady and Wayne and Garth we found one sketch portraying Chicago "super fans" in a negative light. The people of Chicago appear to do nothing but drink beers and eat sausage all day. They also seem to worship an American Football team known as the Bears, and every piece of evidence we have found has led us to believe that this team is absolutely dreadful. We're sure you understand that we could not risk holding the olympics in any location that might shed a negative light on the ceremonies, and would hate to hear any person say in that dreadful accent "Daaaaaa Michael Phelps." With that in mind we have decided to protect the sanctity of the Olympic games and hold them in Rio. Rio seems like a very safe and legal place.

Sincerely,

The Olympics